The Most Swoonworthy Man of 2015

And now….here it is…the moment you’ve all been waiting for…

2015 Compendium of Swoonworthy Men

Number One: Mr. Lamarr!

Clearly, I love my men long, lean, and covered in cats.

Clearly, I love my men long, lean, and covered in cats.

I wholeheartedly admit that I am completely incapable of putting into words my love and admiration for this man. So I am going to take the lazy blogger’s way out and make a list instead.

1. He is not afraid to engage in borderline gas station fisticuffs if he feels someone is not showing the proper courtesy to the employees.

2. He let me recite all the dialogue to Gone With the Wind that time they were playing it with the sound turned off at that bar in Chicago for almost ten minutes before he asked me to stop. And then he bought me oysters.


3. He willingly takes me to embarrassing theme restaurants where they make you wear bibs that say things like “Queen of Crabs,” even though it is an affront to his dignity.


4. He does not protest when I write hilarious blog entries about excursions to bad theme restaurants, even though his dignity is downright wounded.


5. He gamely and enthusiastically went along with me to visit Joey Ramone’s grave. Even though it meant taking a bus. From Port Authority. To New Jersey.


6. He takes all the pictures at concerts because he knows my view is going to be crap.


7. If he notices that I usually eat most of the oysters when we order a dozen, he doesn’t say anything.


8. He supports me in whatever I do. Even if it winds up costing us money.


9. He didn’t get angry that time Gary Busey hit on me.

In fact, he mostly laughed at me....

In fact, he mostly laughed at me….

10. He has beautiful hands.

Photo by Johnny Martyr

Photo by Johnny Martyr

11. He always picks up a roll of Bottlecaps or a pack of C. Howard’s Violet Mints when he sees them, because he knows I love them even if they are the grossest candies in existence.

12. He described our marriage thusly: “We’re pretty much perfect. We both like Rifftrax; you love Joey Ramone and I think he’s okay; and I love cricket and you know what that is.”

Be jealous, cretins.

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