Apparently it’s 2015, you guys. I have spent most of the New Year struck down with malaise, which has now thankfully abated. I don’t think it was the Monster Killer Death Flu that seems to be going around – rather, I think I got the Monster Killer Death Flu’s slacker cousin (let’s call it “Trevor”), because I was just really tired and coughed constantly and hosted the entire cast of animated mucus globs from Mucinex commercials in my respiratory system for a couple of weeks.
But! I don’t want you think that I just lounged around in my pajamas forcing my husband to bring me endless cups of tea while Trevor was hanging out uninvited. Oh, no. I did many highly educational and instructive things while I was missing out on New Year’s Eve, several parties, a couple of days of work, and my own wedding anniversary due to the creeping crud. Those things include:
1. I jumped on the Serial bandwagon.
I don’t know if Adnan did it, but I definitely feel the evidence presented was not strong enough to convict him, and as an early 2000s graduate of a Baltimore County college and a quasi-frequent customer of the Best Buy at Security Square, I am here to tell you that I am AT LEAST 57% sure that there was never a pay phone there.
2. I boned up my already extensive knowledge of serial killers/mass murderers.
Specifically, I read borderline obsessively about Jeffrey Dahmer, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold and Ted Bundy. I’ve often pondered why women in general, and myself in particular, are fascinated with psychopathic killers, and the best I can figure is that I’m a paranoid person with high anxiety and I want to protect myself against, say, winding up stuffed in a disused garden shed secluded deep in the woods wearing a shade of post mortem applied lipstick I would never, ever wear as best I can. Knowledge is power. Coincidentally, I also learned that Columbiners are a thing that exists.
3. I watched a lot of contouring tutorials on YouTube. Now I need the new Kat von D Shade and Light palette.
4. I watched Gimme Shelter and felt bad for giggling. But here’s the thing: Mick Jagger trying to calm down the rowdy, violent, crowd sounds like the “hip” history teacher at your high school telling his AP Euro History class that he’s “so disappointed in you guys” because he thought “you guys were adult enough to handle a field trip to the American History Museum,” but apparently he was wrong, as evidenced by the fact that you all snuck in 40s and wound up shouting belligerently at a security guard that “we’re fucking smart as shit!” while you were being dragged away for trying to “sail” one of the boats in the “On the Water” exhibit.
5. I made so, so much fun of Kirby Delauter.
“That name sounds really familiar,” I can hear you thinking. That’s because the delightfully named and strangely sentient box of hair Kirby Delauter (R – not my district, thank God!) is a councilman who represents a district of the county in which I reside. Kirby Delauter made international news last week by threatening to sue a local journalist for using Kirby Delauter’s name in print without Kirby Delauter’s permission, which is totally a thing that Kirby Delauter can do, so the journalist who dares to use the name “Kirby Delauter” had better get “an Attorney.” (The non-Kirby Delauter authorized article, by the way, was about parking spaces and misplaced keys.). As a long time resident of the City of Frederick, I can tell you that this is not the first boneheaded thing that Kirby Delauter has said. There is also, for instance, the time Kirby Delauter bafflingly accused a small town employee of being “as arrogant as an old lady waiting on chicken.” (Perhaps Kirby Delauter had a bad experience at a Golden Corral and Kirby Delauter has never gotten over it?)
When the story started going viral, I admit I was a bit apprehensive. I love my small city, and I have often bemoaned the fact that some of our county leadership is so astonishingly small minded and mean spirited that it is hard to believe they are actual elected officials and not Scooby Doo villains. In the past, members have made national news by suggesting that the public library fork over a list of every media item they plan to purchase for approval; justifying cutting funding for Head Start programs because women should stay home and educate their children; and verbally berating a teenage basketball referee at a game for fifth graders. As hilarious as it was to plaster Kirby Delauter’s name all over Twitter unauthorized (after all, has Kirby Delauter confirmed his whereabouts for January 13, 1999? Maybe Hae Min Lee copped an attitude with Kirby Delauter over chicken. You know how Kirby Delauter hates that), I worried that my home, would, once again, become a laughingstock at the hands of these blow dried buffoons. However, the local paper saved the day with a spot on, hilarious editorial on the matter. See if you can spot the acrostic!
For as crap as the first part of January was, the second part is shaping up to be pretty good. This weekend, Mr. Lamarr and I will be heading up to New York just to see a Ramone – Marky Ramone, in fact! Marky’s new memoir drops today, but I’ll be picking up my personally autographed copy at the Marky Ramone’s Blitzkrieg show this weekend! You can order your’s on Amazon – or you can wait until the last week of January, when I’ll be announcing a special giveaway here on True Tales of a Punk Rock Pinup! And, in other good news for Ramones fans – if you live in the Dallas or DC areas, and you’ve always wanted to see Rock and Roll High School on the big screen, you will want to be at the Alamo Drafthouse on Monday, January 26! Tickets are available now!